Births, christenings, confirmation, wedding, graduation, moving into a new house, funerals, etc.
Amazingly, I found that there are no such things for divorce. There are even funerals for pets, but when one's marriage is over and has died, there is only a muted clink of the mail box, or a comment, "have you heard X and Y have also divorced?". All the tragedy of a divorce, all the sadness, all the life that has ended allowed to vanish just like a puff of smoke...
This small puff - all of me revolts at the idea, because it is NOT a small thing for two lives knitted together to be ripped apart as happens in divorce. And the memories...!
Silence simply isn't an option!
So, I wanted to change that, at least for myself. Many years ago, before God and people I promised to love, cherish and to stand by my husband, come what may. Now that he is no longer my husband, I did not want this breaking not get the attention it merits, but wanted to acknowledge before God and people that this marriage has died and now needs a funeral.
I invited for this (what should one call it? divorcening? funeral-for-marriage?) some of the friends who have walked with me for a long time, long enough to know me and gracious enough to love me nevertheless ;)
(One friend came with the 'hugest' bouquet I have ever seen, a bouquet of comfort and hope she called it. It was amazing: it had all my favorite flowers in it, even sweat-peas that I had had so many years ago in my wedding-bouquet! )
None of us had ever done anything like this, so we had no script to follow, but we all agreed that what sounded good and proper, was to do some sort of a reversal of marriage: acknowledging before God and people that this marriage has died and was therefore over, to proclaim forgiveness and release from all bonds, and to pronounce a blessing over me as I am starting a new life.
It was an amazing time!!!! I had thought it would be more like a funeral, with lots of tears and crying, as one does when something/someone one has loved has died, but it had an unexpected strong celebratory quality: there is life after death, and newness of life is a reality, and there is a blessing in starting life over! For a moment I think we all felt the truth of life swallowing death, a foretaste of that which is to come!
I felt utterly privileged, and very much like a bride: starting a new life of which I have no idea how it will be, but surrounded by friends at every side, willing to walk with me; it cannot but be good! Where ever I turned in my small living room, I saw friendly faces, encountered warm smiles, heard words of encouragement and affirmation!
Carried by love and prayers I walk in this newness of life! Feels so light and so free!
Carried by love and prayers I walk in this newness of life! Feels so light and so free!
I think this ceremony most affected two things. First of all, the perception I have of myself. I now see myself now longer as the to-be-pitied ex-wife, but I see myself as the beloved, daughter, friend, sister, mother - all of which no divorce can wreck. The core of who I am hasn't changed, and now it is no longer obscured by the ashes of my failed marriage.
Secondly, I realized that I am free from the debt marriage creates. No longer do I have to carry burdens of the other one. Visually I just saw myself leaving a very heavy load of stones in a big sack lying there on the road, while I continue to hop, skip and jump ahead :) carrying only my own (manageable) burdens :)
When one is married, one automatically has a debt of love, of loyalty, of faithfulness, of pursuing happiness as one, no longer merely as being 'I' and 'you' but as being a 'we'. This bond was severed, and I am now officially free from this particular kind of debt! I think that because I had not wanted to be free from this debt, the impact was (and still is) so great: I, no longer bound by the particular 'we' and 'us', will not any longer carry burdens in the name of love for my husband! It was right for me to carry them when the promise still bound me. Now my debt and burden-bearing is over!
As a Christian, it was also of utter importance for me too to do all this before God. It seems that He takes promises very seriously, and since my marriage vows were made to Him and with Him as the main witness, I wanted to include God in the act of acknowledging the death of the marriage those promises had upheld. So, that's what we did, this circle of friends and I.
But not only that... as God is also the source of all blessing, and all newness and life, it was also very important for me to once again start my journey into the unknown under His blessing and in His company. I see Him as the endless source of courage, hope, unexplored paths and adventure, and so to know that I can walk closely with Him into all this newness creates in me an expectation that I will also be equipped to live and love wildly, not bound by past experiences!
and that is nothing short of miraculous!!!! There have been times when all seemed to be pointless, and it seemed as all joy had simply left and moved to another universe...
well, now I know that it hasn't!
The best is yet to come :)
